North Korea Admits Possessing Army of Zombie Psychics

In a move that surprised no one, North Korea continued it's game of one upmanship with the United Sates today by announcing to the world that it possesses an army of psychic zombies. The North Korean defense minister Duk Il Now made the statement: "As you can see, we now have a whole army of these zombie psychics! Take that! One more point for North Korea!"
This is simply the latest event in an escalating "make-believe" arms race between the US and North Korea, which began with Pyongyang's admission that thier nation possessed nuclear weapons. The US quickly countered claiming the presence of "secret new laser satellites" that could shoot down the Korean missiles. The North Koreans responded by contending that their missiles weren't just missles, but could transform into giant killer robots. Soon after the US upped the ante by talking about building a new class of submersible aircraft carrier. This week it was point, set and match with the North Korean announcement of their zombie army. According to Korean officials, voodoo priests, kidnapped from Haiti, raised this army of the dead and gave them psychic powers to use against American troops. By all accounts the White House was stunned by the announcement, with President Bush said to be scrambling for a response.
"It's up in the air right now," an unnamed Pentagon source was quoted as saying, "we're looking at any number of response options. Some parties favor a missile base on the moon, some want to send teams to England to search for excaliber, we've even got one general who thinks our best course is to hire a coven of witches."
Formally the only US response has been to declare the zombie army a violation of the "non-proliferation of armies of the dead" treaty, though North Korea was not a signatory of that document.

Creationists Cite Old Warranty Card as Evidence For Age of Earth

Set in the idyllic surroundings of Dumptown, Mississippi, the headquarters for the "National Christian Theology and Violence Union" seems an unlikely place for trouble to start. But that's just what happened yesterday when officals there held a press conference at which they produced an expired warranty card, claiming it proved the earth was no more than a couple of thousand years old.
While the warranty card was heavily weathered, the writing describing it as covering "Planet Earth from defects in worksmanship" was still perfectly legible. The card detailed several instances in which the warranty would no longer be valid, including use of the earth as a hammer or prybar. The return address on the card was not legible, but the signature was a large X which glowed with divine light.
The members of the group claimed they found the warranty card in an old dresser God was throwing out. Tucked underneath a few T-shirts, next to a copy of Action Comics No.1 and the cure to cancer, was the warranty card.
Caleb Gaptuth, head of the union, issued this statement:
"This should prove to all the non-believers that the earth is only six thousand years old. The date of manufacture is clearly shown. What more evidence does anyone need? We are, of course, a peaceful organization. We think the evidence speaks for itself. But to make sure everyone has seen the evidence we plan to start a bombing campaign to draw attention to it."
Scientists at first reacted with skepticism to the warranty card, until several assassinations convinced them to back the evidence wholeheartedly. There has been no comment yet from the White House on the validity of the card, though White House spokesman Sam Sloan made it clear that the President intended to address the issue as soon as he was done playing Nintendo.

Drunken Archeologist Finds "Biggest Bunch of #$*@ing Giant Bones You Ever Saw!"

Archeologist Johnny Walker (PhD) met with reporters in Indonesia today to discuss his latest find. "It's un#$*&ing believable!" he insisted in a slurred voice, as his eyes rolled wildly.
"I was on this rocking four day bender out by the pyramids and I saw this monster, right? I mean, it was big! Like elephant big! It was an elephant! And it spoke with this unearthly voice, see? It said, Johnny, I'm an elephant! So you must follow me! And I did, dude! I did!"
What was to follow was a harrowing tale of survival which led the archeologists through several egyptian monuments. A fact which is doubly puzzling because, as stated earlier, he is working in Indonesia.
"Then, after we got out of the hind end of the Sphinx, he showed me this secret cave, right? And inside was this pile of human bones. But they weren't human bones. They were gigantic! And there was the ruins of Atlantis there, and these monkeys that could talk. Oh man, I'm gonna hurl!"
After vomiting and staggering around in a circle trying to fend off invisible birds, the archeologist continued his tale.
"So, this elephant, he like tells me about how everybody in Atlantis was a gaint, right? And that's why it sank, okay? Because everybody was so heavy! And so I said, "wow, that's heavy" to the elephant! Get it? Well, I'm getting real hungry, cause all I had to eat were these brownies my friend Stoner sent me from the states. So I'm looking around and I find this can of spam, dude! Like, that's the secret of spam! It came from mother#*&@ing Atlantis!"
At this point Walker sat back with a satisfied look and refused to answer any more questions. It was nearly five minutes before anyone thought to check his pulse only to discover that he had died from an overdose of rubbing alcohol. The responding doctors believe this explains why his breath smelled strongly of Old Spice. To date, no plans have been put forth to expand on Dr. Walker's work.

Panel of Experts Decries Scientific Inaccuracies in "Alien versus Predator", "Riddick Chronicles"

The panel "Science for Obvious Conclusions in the Public Interest" released a report today detailing what it described as "severe scientific fallacies" in several motion pictures. They were especially critical of recent science fiction films. As one panel member stated " there are going to be people going to these movies who think they are documentaries. But, damn it, they're not! When will hollywood learn the dangers of putting fictional and poorly researched plots on the movie screen?"
The report details, with dismaying accuracy, the poor physics employed by the movie "Chronicles of Riddick" when describing space travel. "Not to mention," panel chairman Dr. Mark Schroeder pointed out, "that whole dimension of the dead thing. Underverse? What the hell is that? Nobody covered that crap in my astrophysics classes! I'm starting to think it's just something some guy made up!"
This is not the first time this panel of experts has made headlines. After the release of the movie "Matrix" the panel produced a comprehensive report proving irrefutably that most of the martial arts manuevers in the film were completely impossible. A report they claim was ignored.
In their current press release they point out problems with both the physics and the anthropological conclusions in "Alien versus Predator"; plot problems they insist must not be ignored. "For God's sake," Schroeder insisted," children are learning their science from these films! Do we want them to grow up and sacrifice us to alien overlords?"

Mysterious Shaman Preaches the Healing Power of Hate

In the obscure trailer park of Slumton, Michigan, a self described 'shaman' has made the local news. His doctrine: healing through the power of hatred. The shaman's name is Cleatus Pone. He is, as he tells his followers, a "former member of every *&%#ing hate group in this %$#@ing country, you #$%@*&*s !!!" Pone says he is touched by contempt for the masses now suffering without health care in America. He believes that by hating with tremendous intensity their illnesses can be overcome.
"Look," he commented during a phone interview, "it wasn't until I took a six man beating outside of a bar in Fargo that I understood. The doctors told me I'd never walk again, much less complain like I'm doing now. But I hated those mother%#@$*#s that %$#&ed me up so ^%#$ing bad that I could feel my body healing itself. Six months later I was waiting for those &%#pumps outside of their favorite bar with a piece of lead pipe! Choke on that, modern medicine!"
Pone's gentle message of hate and random violence has convinced many of Slumton's residents that he is a divine figure. There have even been miracles ascribed to his presence, including the appearance of a bloodstain in the street said by some to resemble him kicking a dog.
Jim Squatterly is one of Pone's many followers. He attributes Pone's message to his miraculous recovery from bone cancer.
"I mean, I don't know I had it," he noted, "but I felt real sluggish like they said I would on Springer. And I was in a lot of pain all the time, 'specially when I'd get drunk and bust up beer bottles and lay on the glass on my couch. Then Cleatus come along and lay hands on me. I felt the hate run through me. From then on I wasn't sluggish no more and I found I didn't need to drink no more, neither. I could get into fights without it. It felt that good."
Earlier this week the American Medical Association sent a doctor to investigate Pone's claims, but the investigation suffered a setback after Pone called the doctor a "$#@% eating son of a *&^#$" and broke a cinderblock over his head.

Alien Lands at Military Base; Asks to "Stay for a Few Days"

In a startling press conference earlier today the White House admitted that several months ago our planet was visited by an extraterrestrial explorer. Then, taking a moment to correct his statement, Tom Rikes, the President's spokesman admitted, "well, not so much an explorer as a squatter."
Apparently the alien in question, who landed his craft at Whyteman Air Base in Nebraska, had been kicked out by his parents and needed 'to crash'. The White House agreed to let him stay temporarily in exchange for the technology on his ship, which the alien admitted "was a junker anyway". But now, in desperation, the Bush administration has gone public with his presence in an attempt to get him to leave.
"It's not that he's a bad guy," Rikes noted apologetically, "it's just that he's not very considerate. He lays around all day and won't get a job. He eats everything in the White House refrigerator and constantly makes long distance phone calls that he won't pay for. If he would just clean up a little, or maybe not invite so many friends over it wouldn't be so bad. But he doesn't seem to be at all motivated to be courteous or support himself financially."
In fact, according to the White House the 'visitor' has repeatedly ordered pizzas and kegs of beer that he charged to the President's credit card. When confronted with the situation he attempted to pay for the charges with several valuable paintings he had stolen from the White House walls earlier that day.
"We're not prudes at the White House," Rikes continued, "we're cool. But when this guy is in our crib trying to sell drugs to the Prime Minister of Japan, then we've got a problem." Rikes went on to say that the drugs in question had also been stolen, but he refused to reveal from whom.
Currently the White House hopes to 'shame' the alien into leaving. If that fails, the President has authorized the Secret Service to treat the visitor to a night on the town, during which all of his belongings will be moved out onto the street and the locks will be changed.

Bigfoot Pornography Becomes Epidemic on the Internet

In an unexpected move today officials from the FBI in coordination with the Forestry Service announced plans to begin 'sting' operations against websites showing Bigfoot pornography. These disturbing sites often feature "nature shots" of the semi-mythical creature engaging in sexual acts in the wild.
"It's sickening," stated Bob Sturgis of the US Forestry Service, "these people have got real problems! We have enough trouble trying to protect Bigfoot from hunters and crazies without trying to weed out everyone with a video camera and a poorly written script!"
"It was time to act," agreed Mark Tool, the senior FBI agent on the case.
"I'm not sure how they do things in other countries, but I know no one in the United States is going to stand for pornography on the internet."
According to sources in the adult film industry, problems for the 'wood ape' began with speculation about the relationship of the creature's 'big feet' with it's other anatomical features. It wasn't long before the Blue Grotto Motion Picture Company out of Las Vegas sent a team into the pacific northwest to make "Feet of Thunder", the first in what would become a series of Bigfoot adult movies and pictorials.
Soon a cottage industry sprang up on the internet, trading in both authorized and illicit Bigfoot pornographic material. Currently, to make Bigfoot porn, a permit from the Forestry Service is required in advance. It is estimated, however, that up to eighty percent of the Bigfoot pornography on the web was filmed and photographed without such a permit.
"It's just so damn easy," noted a source on condition of anonymonity, "they don't even understand the concept of money! We pay them in acorns for God's sake!"
Federal officials hope that this crackdown will help them segue into other enforcement efforts, most notably a joint operation with Scotland Yard to end the so-called "Night with Nessie" sites. We will keep you apprised of developments.