Breaking: Weapons of Mass Destruction Discovered in Monaco!

Calling a surprise news conference, the President's spokesman, Sam Sloan, today announced the discovery of weapons of mass destruction inside the tiny nation of Monaco. According to the administration satellite intelligence clearly shows nuclear missile silos cleverly hidden beneath a hotel.
"The camoflage is very effective," noted Sloan, "that's why all you can see in these satellite photos is the hotel."
Sloan went on to show that over the last year Monaco has imported suspicious amounts of gasoline and laundry detergent.
"Mix those together and bang . . . you've got napalm! Steven Seagal style napalm!"
Responding to reporters who indicated that gasoline and detergent were hardly suspicious imports to a nation full of hotels and motor vehicles, Sloan passed around photos of buses which he claimed were 'mobile chemical laboratories'.
"I mean, just look at those people getting on! Notice that almost all of them are wearing suits! Just like a scientist would wear! These scum are mixing up nerve gas and keeping the labs on the move so no one will know!"
Sloan described in detail how Prince Phillip the second, the "despotic, unbalanced leader" of this "tiny dictatorship" has never allowed even a single UN weapons inspector to enter the country. According to Sloan this "Madman of Monaco" is flouting UN regulations while building up a massive force with which to lash out at his european neighbors.
Prince Phillip was quick to respond, stating "Monaco has no wish for poor relations with the United States" and raving that he would "allow any sort of inspection the UN deemed appropriate" and "go to any length to diffuse this disturbing and puzzling situation".
On behalf of the administration Sloan fired back this afternoon, stating that "the US does not take threats lightly". He warned that Prince Phillip and his "nation of fanatics" had gone too far. "It is time," he insisted, "to take on the quiet predator of Europe!"
While Monaco does not technically have an army, the administration produced documents proving that Monaco had assembled and equipped a secret army of so-called "gendarmes" who roamed the country side at will, stopping motorists to issue "citations". According to Monaco's own public records the size of this force has more than doubled since the turn of the century.
"They just keep building up their forces," Sloan asserted," and if we don't stop them soon, wave after wave of gendarmes on bicycles will sweep across europe like locusts!"
On a completely unrelated note, George Bush senior admitted to the press yesterday that he once lost almost forty dollars at the casino in Monaco.

President Bush Activates Salvation Army Units to Bolster Iraq Contingent

Today the White House announced that the President has signed an executive order activating over ninety five Salvation Army units for Iraq duty. The units will, according to Pentagon sources, be used mainly as infantry. Top military officials claimed the move was unavoidable. They cited low troop morale, weak enlistment, increased insurgent activity along with corrupt and incompetent top military officials as reasons for the action.
Colonel Slate Witherspoon, regional commander for the midwest Salvation Army claimed to be "concerned and deeply confused" by the development.
"You see," he noted in a phone interview, "we've never been an actual military force. We use that terminology as a metaphor for service to God. I even sent a fax to the White House explaining that fact."
But the only response the colonel received was a fax signed by President Bush, which read, in part "so bring the metaphors too . . . bring whatever weapons you got."
Despite protests from the Salvation Army, White House officials stand by the executive order and they have given Salvation Army officials three weeks to mobilize their forces in preparation for transport to Iraq. The only Salvation Army troops that have been exempted from the call-up are the ubiquitous Christmas "bell-ringers". As one administration official wryly noted "nobody wants to see video-tape of Santa Claus getting machine gunned."