Lois Lane Divorces Superman: Claims Kryptonian Isn't Really a "Man of Steel"

In a startling epilogue to one of the most successful superhero weddings to date, star reporter Lois Lane is divorcing Superman. In court documents obtained by this blog, Lane claims that Superman(aka Kal-El) is "unhealthily fixated" on wearing his costume at all hours of the day or night. She further claims that the superhuman was decidedly sub-par in the bedroom, being consistently unable to meet her "physical needs". While she makes no allegations of abuse, she does note that Superman is "a big dork" who needs to stop running off to the Fortress of Solitude whenever there is laundry to do.
The Kryptonian hero fired back in a press conference today where he denounced Lane's accusations as baseless.
"I mean, can you trust her?" he asked, tears rolling down his face, "can you trust a woman who wouldn't even take my last name? Whats wrong with El? Hunh? Let me tell you baby, I've got hundreds of groupies who would die to be Mrs. El!"
He went on to address Lane's contention of substandard sexual performance.
"Everything was fine! I mean, I'm not getting any complaints, right? Hell, I'm a Kryptonian man, a real man! I'm always ready for action if you know what I mean! Then one night that harpy has to make a remark about how I'm the fastest man alive when it comes to foreplay and . . . bang! I felt completely emasculated! Now I just want to be held!"
After likening Lane to a meteor made out of pure Kryptonite, Superman began openly crying, making further comments undecipherable. The criminal element has reportedly met the news of Superman's weakened state with glee. One famous supervillian stated, on condition of anonymity, "I may be bald as a cue ball but at least I've got enough testosterone to drown a moose! Wait until the next time we meet! Man will I ride him about this!"