Mysterious Shaman Preaches the Healing Power of Hate

In the obscure trailer park of Slumton, Michigan, a self described 'shaman' has made the local news. His doctrine: healing through the power of hatred. The shaman's name is Cleatus Pone. He is, as he tells his followers, a "former member of every *&%#ing hate group in this %$#@ing country, you #$%@*&*s !!!" Pone says he is touched by contempt for the masses now suffering without health care in America. He believes that by hating with tremendous intensity their illnesses can be overcome.
"Look," he commented during a phone interview, "it wasn't until I took a six man beating outside of a bar in Fargo that I understood. The doctors told me I'd never walk again, much less complain like I'm doing now. But I hated those mother%#@$*#s that %$#&ed me up so ^%#$ing bad that I could feel my body healing itself. Six months later I was waiting for those &%#pumps outside of their favorite bar with a piece of lead pipe! Choke on that, modern medicine!"
Pone's gentle message of hate and random violence has convinced many of Slumton's residents that he is a divine figure. There have even been miracles ascribed to his presence, including the appearance of a bloodstain in the street said by some to resemble him kicking a dog.
Jim Squatterly is one of Pone's many followers. He attributes Pone's message to his miraculous recovery from bone cancer.
"I mean, I don't know I had it," he noted, "but I felt real sluggish like they said I would on Springer. And I was in a lot of pain all the time, 'specially when I'd get drunk and bust up beer bottles and lay on the glass on my couch. Then Cleatus come along and lay hands on me. I felt the hate run through me. From then on I wasn't sluggish no more and I found I didn't need to drink no more, neither. I could get into fights without it. It felt that good."
Earlier this week the American Medical Association sent a doctor to investigate Pone's claims, but the investigation suffered a setback after Pone called the doctor a "$#@% eating son of a *&^#$" and broke a cinderblock over his head.