Dead Rising From Graves To Avenge The Making Of 'Dukes of Hazzard' Film

Early reports from Warner Brothers Studios are terrifying as an army of zombies sweeps through the studio lot, eating the flesh of every person in sight. Similar reports are coming in from the homes of such 'stars' as Willie Nelson and Jessica Simpson. After careful consultation, religious leaders agree. The dead are rising to avenge the making of the "Dukes of Hazzard" movie. As Nelson Stern, head of the National Theological Union notes, "I mean, Steven Seagal has been asking for it for years, but the Duke boys? That was just going too far. What the hell did these idiots expect?"
This supernatural reaction to a new film is not without precedent. Many theologans have pointed out that all of Willliam Shatner's films have all been preceeded by a rain of blood, while the opening of the eighties film 'Ishtar' caused forty days of darkness around the globe. But, they admit, never before has any film been able to provoke attacks by an army of flesh eating zombies.
"Then again, " Stern related to our correspondant," look at this film. The jerkwater premise, the lousy dialog, the brainless cast. If any film deserved this, the "Dukes of Hazzard" would be it. Short of having Seagal do a cameo, or having William Shatner sing the soundtrack, there was little else they could do to make this film worse."
Industry experts agree. In an official statement from Warner Brothers, the company explains," when making movies at this quality level, the occasional retribution from the living dead is to be expected. All we can do is board up the windows, lock the gates and see if any of them care to star in the new Romero film."

Bush Administration Sends Radio Message To Extraterrestrials: "You're Either For Us Or Against Us In The War On Terror!"

In an unusual move yesterday the Bush administration comandeered a SETI research facility in order to send a powerful, multidirectional radio message out into space. According to White House spokesman Sam Sloan, the message was simple. In the war on terror aliens are either for us or against us . . . and if they're against us they better watch out.
"Fundamentally it's a basic principle," Sloan noted in a press release, "do extraterrestrials support terrorism, or do they support freedom? Astronomers say there may be billions of planetary systems out there. Billions. That's a lot of potential hijackers. And hell, how would we know what they're up to? You try to understand those damn foreigners and it's all a bunch of clicks and whistles."
Sloan notes in the press release that despite thousands of reported UFO sightings, not a single saucer showed up to stop the attack on the World Trade Center.
"I mean, where were they? Did they have better things to do? Their superior aerodynamic capabilities, as evidenced by hundreds of hours of grainy, out of focus video, offer them a clear advantage in combat with a commercial airplane. Yet they did nothing. "
Anticipating criticism of an action that could potentially start an interstellar war, Sloan adroitly addressed those concerns as well.
"If alien terrorists want a piece of the USA, this administration says 'Bring it on!'. While it is true that a species capable of reaching us through interstellar space would possess vastly superior technology, there is no reason to think that they would be more advanced than us in every aspect vital to combat. To illustrate the point I've included a drawing by President Bush of a UFO with a faster than light engine powered by a wood burning stove."
The crayon drawing was stapled to the back of the press release. It depicted a saucer shaped craft cut away to reveal the interior. A blue scribbled mass was labelled "engine from Millenium Falcon", while next to it sat a crudely drawn pot bellied stove labelled "wood burner for power, heat, cooking and story telling". While the shape of the craft was saucer-like, it otherwise resembled the "blue-prints" for a next generation shuttle submitted by the President to NASA.