Metal Detecting Senior Sued by Gollum After Finding Magic Ring

He thought it was just another lucky find. Senior citizen Mort Goldblath said he was ecstatic after he found a gold ring with his metal detector while beach combing in South Florida. It wasn't until he took it home that the harrassment began.
"I started noticing this scrawny little jerk following me around." Goldblath related in court documents. "He looked like somebody had shaved a ninety year old ape. Everywhere I go, there he was! Then, after a couple of weeks he started calling me up. At first he'd just call and hang up. But pretty soon he started blathering on about how I'd stolen his precious. Well I told that little dirtball that I hadn't ever stolen a thing! If he wanted to find jewelry like that he could just go out and invest in a Bearcat 260 metal detector like I did! But he wouldn't listen. One day he even showed up at my front door! So I got my double barrelled twelve gauge out and asked that little creep just how bad he wanted that ring! All he did was mutter and look pissed and walk away. But then, a month later, I get this summons!"
Frustrated by Goldblath's refusal to turn over the ring, the creature Gollum hired prominant Miami attorney Harold Sharkus to litigate.
"My client's position is simple." Sharkus stated in court documents. "He possessed the magic ring for many years, giving him unnaturally long life. But now, when the dark lord is on the verge of returning and accepting the Republican nomination for president, the ring of power is trying to escape Gollum's grasp. Nontheless, it still remains the property of my client, who intends to return with it to his moldy cave so he can stare at it for hours at a time while drooling."
Goldblath responded in the press last week, stating that the whole thing was "bull puckey".
"I found that thing fair and square. And I aint parting with it peacefully! What's mine is mine! After all, it's precious to me!"

Statistics Prove Alien Abductions Costing US Kidnappers Jobs

After several freedom of information act requests the US Bureau of Labor has finally released statistics confirming a loss of jobs among American kidnappers. The culprit: alien abductions. The American Small Time Criminals Association (ASTCA) had previously decried the increase in abductions by extra-terrestrials, but not until this release did it have confirmation that the American job market was suffering. According to Shay D. Guyy, lobbyist for the organization, the field of domestic kidnapping for profit is losing almost seven hundred victims a year to alien activities.
"What that means," he noted to our reporter, "is that hard working American kidnappers are finding it harder to locate eligible victims. I mean, who wants to be pistol whipped and thrown into the trunk of a rented sedan when you can be sucked up into a flying saucer? People better take note. If there are no more petty crimes to committ, just who in the hell is going to buy all of the pinky rings and stupid looking leather trenchcoats? Entire industries will collapse!"
Individual TVX4256 of the Sirian Galactic Continuum issued a press release shortly after that interview defending the actions of his people. The victims selected by the Continuum, he noted, were almost uniformly low income rural individuals or ex-hippies whose sole occupation was collecting ditch weed. He argued that neither group provided much of a motive to conventional kidnappers since there would be noone able or willing to ransom them.
The FBI has refused to take a position on the debate, admitting only that kidnappings are a low priority for them due to the need to crack down on people purchasing multiple packages of cold medicine.