GM Cuts 30,000 Blue Collar Workers, Retains 38 Vice Presidents

In yet more depressing economic news, the GM corporation has announced it intends to cut 30,000 blue collar jobs in the US. This number represents just under 10% of GM's global workforce. These manufacturing workers will now join the legions of Americans entering the service (also known as the 'starvation') sector of the American economy.
There was one bright spot, however, as GM announced it has managed to retain its 38 Vice Presidents, along with assorted other corporate officers. While the areas overseen by these officers are nebulous, overlapping, and often superfluous, the GM corporation felt a need to maintain it's reputation of integrity and reliability in the face of a hostile economic environment. As one unnamed official pointed out, "these guys are counting on us and we don't intend to let them down!"
Economic experts have repeatedly pointed out that GM, like many companies, could easily scale down its number of corporate officers. Since any one of them represents the equivalent payroll of thirty or more blue collar employees, such reductions would actually be extremely useful to the bottom line. Or, as other economic pundits have pointed out, the corporate officer positions could be outsourced to Latin America or Asia, where such officials are used to making a fraction of their US counterparts.
But GM has remained stalwart in the face of such criticism, declaring that if the US economy is to remain strong it must be composed of people with disposable incomes that make them viable consumers. As our unnamed source noted, "we at GM only wish there was some way to ensure this consumer base exists on a large scale. But if such a method exists, we haven't found it."

Wal-Mart Unveils New Program To Force Employees To Be Happier

Under siege because of allegations of poor employee treatment and poor employee compensation leading to employees who are just plain poor, Wal-Mart has announced the commencement of a new program to improve morale in its pointlessly large number of retail outlets. In a press release to several major news agencies, Phil Dodge, ceo of Wal-Mart Inc, outlined his plan.
"We first considered increasing pay and benefits, but we decided that would cost too much. Instead, we've decided to proceed with our new scheme at a cost of ten billion per year.
"Our new system involves forcibly installing computer chips into the brains of our employees. These chips will release endorphins, creating a sensation of pleasure throughout the day. So whether they're stocking shelves with cheaply made plastic junk, applying for food stamps or trudging up the stairs to their closet-sized efficiency apartment to eat a dinner of cold dog food, they'll be in a constant state of enjoyment, courtesy of their employer!"
Dodge went on to explain that employees who don't want the chip will be told they don't have to get one, before being wrestled to the ground to have the chip shoved into their cranium through the nostril.
"You have to use distraction," the press release noted, "some of these guys are so used to competing with rats for food that they've gotten pretty tough."
The chips are proprietary Wal-Mart technology called Small eLectronic Activity Virtual Enhancers and will be paid for through a slight employee payroll deduction of fifty dollars a week.