History Channel Manages to Come Up with One More WWII Documentary

In a direct challenge to critics who claimed that the History Channel has left no aspect of World War Two unexploited, the network unveiled one more WWII documentary today. Entitled "Janitors: the Unsung Allied Heroes" the program documents in agonizing detail the minutia of janitorial work during the second world war. Covering everything from how Ike liked the dusting done to the type of toilet cleaning crystals responsible for reducing odor in rear echelon latrines, it is yet another remarkable work by the cable channel that brought America "Cooking Secrets of the Pacific Submarine Fleet" and "Frozen Hell: True Stories of the 445th Freezer Repair Detachment". Reportedly World War Two janitorial veterans have greeted the documentary with disdain. In a statement posted on his website, floorjockey.com, Lt. Colonel Art Slocum(ret), formerly of the 112th Janitorial Division had this to say:
"Sure the show was mind numbingly boring. But was it mind numbingly boring enough? Did they really capture the trauma of waxing the tile floor at fleet command, or the shellshock associated with scrubbing toilets under the constant rat-a-tat-tat of someone banging on the door to be let in? I don't think so. If some kid is watching this show and thinking he's getting a real taste of what it was like to be a war-time janitor, he's got another thing coming! America owes so much to the "retreating janitors" of the 112th, and this is all we get? A stinking documentary? This country makes me sick!"
For fans who missed the initial airing of this special, network executives have announced it will be available on DVD. Number 62,400 in thier "World War Two video library", it will soon come up for sale on the History Channel's website. Additionally, History Channel.com's troubleshooting section notes that if you're having trouble finding World War Two programming on the History Channel you should check behind your television to see if it's actually plugged in.

"Shitload" Becomes Standardized Unit of Measurement

After years of controversy surrounding it's relatively ambiguous status in the business and manufacturing community, the term "shitload" has been officially adopted by the US Bureau of Weights and Measures for commercial use. The term, which first originated on the Boston docks in the 1800s, originally represented the full capacity of one sewage scow. Starting in the late 1800s these scows began making regular "export" trips to New Jersey, and their full capacity (approximately 2.7 tons) became a common benchmark for the shipping community. The term soon spread to other industries, where it began to slip from its original meaning.
Professor Emil Watkins of the Harvard Department of History explains, "as soon as other industries adopted the term it's meaning became more ambiguous. Soon, instead of a true measure of weight it began to be used for both weight and volume. Its meaning became relative. The so-called "east coast shitload standard" hovered at around 2 or 3 tons. The "west coast shitload standard" however, was sometimes held as low as a ton and a half. While in the mid-west, the standard shitload could be as little as five hundred pounds. Really the only industry to keep a straight shitload was the drug running trade. Those guys never deviated from the 2.7 ton benchmark, God bless 'em!"
In an attempt to standardize the shitload, the BWM has officially set it at the original 2.7 tons of (wet or dry) weight. This also settles the long standing argument over use of the shitload for measures of volume. The BWM has determined that since the shitload is now a weight standard, large volumes will now be measured with the somewhat secondary term "assload".

Drunken Man Challenges God to Arm-Wrestling Contest

At eleven thirty three last night, in Iowa City's Deadwood tavern, local drunk Clyde Duffman made a formal challenge to the Christian God for an arm wrestling contest. Duffman, whose record stands at 35-7 in drunken barroom arm wrestling, was flush with victory after just defeating fellow Iowa City binge drinker Homer Plym. Slamming his half full bottle of Budweiser on the bar repeatedly, Duffman declared himself to be the "Galactic Champion" of arm-wrestling. Shortly afterward he made his formal challenge to the Architect of the Universe.
"If there is a God, I can kick his ass in arm-wrestling, no problem! Come on down! What's up? Let's go, God, lets see what you got!"
Others present in the bar noted that Duffman was in a highly suggestable state, having consumed three shots of vodka and fourteen beers in a two hour period. Nonetheless, sports columnist Shamus Olstead claims the challenge stands.
"In barroom arm-wrestling of this nature, the level of intoxication involved in a challenge being made has no bearing on its validity. If it did there would be no arm-wrestling by drunks. As it stands God has been challenged. It now remains to be seen if he intends to step up and defend his title. If he doesn't within a reasonable period of time, say, six weeks or so, the sporting community has no choice but to acknowledge Duffman as the Universe's champion arm wrestler."
Odds in Las Vegas currently favor God in such a contest, though Duffman has moved up slightly with the bookmakers since news broke that he just bought a Bowflex.

Lois Lane Divorces Superman: Claims Kryptonian Isn't Really a "Man of Steel"

In a startling epilogue to one of the most successful superhero weddings to date, star reporter Lois Lane is divorcing Superman. In court documents obtained by this blog, Lane claims that Superman(aka Kal-El) is "unhealthily fixated" on wearing his costume at all hours of the day or night. She further claims that the superhuman was decidedly sub-par in the bedroom, being consistently unable to meet her "physical needs". While she makes no allegations of abuse, she does note that Superman is "a big dork" who needs to stop running off to the Fortress of Solitude whenever there is laundry to do.
The Kryptonian hero fired back in a press conference today where he denounced Lane's accusations as baseless.
"I mean, can you trust her?" he asked, tears rolling down his face, "can you trust a woman who wouldn't even take my last name? Whats wrong with El? Hunh? Let me tell you baby, I've got hundreds of groupies who would die to be Mrs. El!"
He went on to address Lane's contention of substandard sexual performance.
"Everything was fine! I mean, I'm not getting any complaints, right? Hell, I'm a Kryptonian man, a real man! I'm always ready for action if you know what I mean! Then one night that harpy has to make a remark about how I'm the fastest man alive when it comes to foreplay and . . . bang! I felt completely emasculated! Now I just want to be held!"
After likening Lane to a meteor made out of pure Kryptonite, Superman began openly crying, making further comments undecipherable. The criminal element has reportedly met the news of Superman's weakened state with glee. One famous supervillian stated, on condition of anonymity, "I may be bald as a cue ball but at least I've got enough testosterone to drown a moose! Wait until the next time we meet! Man will I ride him about this!"