Terrorist Seize the Capitol Building: Threaten to Release One Congressman an Hour Until Demands Met

In a bold attack on US soil the terrorist group "Big Ass Warriors of Allah" took control of the Capitol building by force of arms. They have issued a statement to the press in which they threatened to release their hostages unless all of their demands are met.
"If they do what they threaten," commented FBI special agent Mark Tool,"we could end up with yet another do-nothing congress that will roll back years of social and economic reform. We have to believe that this group will carry out their threat. If we don't act now congress could be back in session by the end of the week."
The terrorists first threatened to kill the hostages if the US refused to pull out of the middle east. After recieving only laughter in reply to this demand, they lowered their requests to safe conduct home, a press conference, then finally a klondike bar, all of which were refused. It was then that they changed tactics, threatening to release the congressmen they held.
"Clearly no one anticipated muslim extremists getting their hands on such a weapon of mass destruction," noted political pundit James Grover. "There's no telling how much more damage such idiots could do if given the chance. The best thing we can do is rope off the capitol building, or maybe surround it with a ring of burning napalm, then get on with our lives."
The government did attempt a commando raid earlier today, but it was repelled. The terrorists retaliated by sending out senator Orrin Hatch of Utah. No further action is planned.

National Lard Council Promotes New "Low Carb, Sugar Free" Lard for Weight Conscious Consumers

In an attempt to overcome years of bad press regarding the detrimental health effects of lard and lard heavy cooking, the National Lard Council has announced a new product line. This lard is, according to the council, completely sugar free. In addition it provides a level of carbohydrates well below that recommended by most low carb diets.
"Basically what we're saying with this new type of lard," commented Lawrence Lipid, head of the Lard Council's 'inner sanctum', "is that lard is now a product for the savvy,health minded consumer. Instead of going to lunch and consuming salad that's going to be high in carbohydrates and fructose, why not take a bucket of good, wholesome lard? Sure, it's a fine cooking ingredient, but most people agree that it tastes great right out of the bucket! Don't waste your life consuming empty sugar calories!"
Lipid, who weighs sixteen hundred pounds and has to take a frieght helicoptor to work, was supported by other council members,who noted that lard has other health benefits. A panel of scientists hired away from the tobacco lobby have confirmed that lard reduces blood pressure by coating the inside of human blood vessels with slick fat. They claim this allows the human circulatory system to transport blood more efficiently.
"In our research," Lipid pointed out, "after months of two bucket a day lard consumption, test subjects actually began to sweat lard. The benefits of this, as you can imagine, were many. They were able to slip into much tighter clothing as well as skate barefoot over most smooth surfaces. Assuming, of course, that those surfaces were strong enough to support their weight."
While his test subjects did have an average weight gain after six months of two hundred and eleven pounds, Lipid notes that this was probably the result of increased muscle mass acquired from the additional exercise they received as they struggled to force themselves through bathroom doorways.

Body of Satan Possessed by Richard Nixon

With nowhere else to go for help the minions of hell officially appealed to the Vatican for aid today. Frantic for assistance they revealed that for some months the physical body of Satan has been under the control of Richard Nixon, whose evil was able to overpower that of the Prince of Darkness and possess him.
The first clue that something was amiss took the form of an edict in the nether regions that demanded the little dog 'Checkers' be resurrected and brought to Satan's Pain Fortress. Soon other, equally puzzling edicts appeared. Satan demanded that Hell open relations with Purgatory and had his servants remove all recording equipment from his offices. Sources near Lucifer claimed that his body began to appear doughy, pale and flaccid. According to one demon," He was always nasty. I mean, he was the devil, right? But suddenly he was more than evil. He was a really shifty character. All of the sudden he wasn't the good, honest evil doer he had always been. He had become a back stabbing son of a bitch. Hell, lets be honest, the guy became a damn supply-sider!"
Other minions of hell agreed, describing the change as 'unsettling'. They chafed at Satan's sudden claims to have a 'secret plan' to end the war with Heaven. As another demon stated, "finally, when he started bombing dog heaven, we realized what had happened. This guy was Nixon! Nixon had possessed the body of our leader!"
While the Pope had no official comment, his bishops have confirmed plans for an exorcism.

Frankenstein's Monster Announces Presidential Bid

After months of speculation the reform party has announced its choice for a new Presidential candidate; Frankenstein's monster. A team of researchers working around the clock for the reform party finally managed to revive the creature with high voltage only last week, and party representatives have expressed 'real excitement' about his prospects.
"The monster is clearly the most vibrant candidate we've ever fielded, " noted Roger Roundly, nominal head of the reform party. "Of all the prospective candidates for the next election, he's clearly the most intelligent and articulate. Also, as the success of the Swartzenegger governorship has shown, people are tired of wimpy candidates. Ours is anything but. Just the other day he strangled one of his doctors to death with one hand! How's that for a tough guy?!"
Party officials admit that the need to keep the monster restrained with chains during his appearances may hurt his credibility, but only slightly. They feel his "Bush-like" grammar will lend him considerable weight when addressing the American people.
"Right now he's pushing a 'fire bad, friend good' platform, but as time goes on the message will evolve," Roundly continued. "We think the people are smart enough to see the core issue the monster is addressing. That issue is 'hey, I'm a horrible amalgam of dead body parts that will come to your home and mangle you if you don't vote for me'. And that's a message everyone can unite behind!"