Wal-Mart Unveils New Program To Force Employees To Be Happier

Under siege because of allegations of poor employee treatment and poor employee compensation leading to employees who are just plain poor, Wal-Mart has announced the commencement of a new program to improve morale in its pointlessly large number of retail outlets. In a press release to several major news agencies, Phil Dodge, ceo of Wal-Mart Inc, outlined his plan.
"We first considered increasing pay and benefits, but we decided that would cost too much. Instead, we've decided to proceed with our new scheme at a cost of ten billion per year.
"Our new system involves forcibly installing computer chips into the brains of our employees. These chips will release endorphins, creating a sensation of pleasure throughout the day. So whether they're stocking shelves with cheaply made plastic junk, applying for food stamps or trudging up the stairs to their closet-sized efficiency apartment to eat a dinner of cold dog food, they'll be in a constant state of enjoyment, courtesy of their employer!"
Dodge went on to explain that employees who don't want the chip will be told they don't have to get one, before being wrestled to the ground to have the chip shoved into their cranium through the nostril.
"You have to use distraction," the press release noted, "some of these guys are so used to competing with rats for food that they've gotten pretty tough."
The chips are proprietary Wal-Mart technology called Small eLectronic Activity Virtual Enhancers and will be paid for through a slight employee payroll deduction of fifty dollars a week.