Lucky 10 Billionth Customer of US Justice System Released on a Technicality

During the sentencing phase of the "Slaughterhouse" Bill Thompson trial in Buckwater, Michigan, all were stunned when balloons fell from the ceiling and loudspeakers announced that Thompson would be released on a technicality. As the 10 billionth customer of the Justice System, Thompson was awarded his unconditional freedom, despite the guilty verdict he received for the serial killings of at least 43 people over 17 years.
"It is our pleasure," commented President Bush in a phone call to Thompson,"to present you with your freedom as a reward for your patronage. You've provided America with a very entertaining trial, and I'm thrilled that you happened to be our 10 billionth lucky customer."
Thompson, who tortured people to death in his basement, was particularly noted for his ivory knick-knacks, which police discovered had been carved from the bones of his victims. Many of these knick-knacks were sold at craft fairs, earning a steady income Thompson used to purchase medieval torture equipment online. When arrested Thompson was quoted as saying, "sure I killed 'em. I killed 'em all. Want to buy some knick knacks?"
In addition to his freedom and a clean police record, Thompson will be rewarded with fifty thousand dollars in taxpayer money, which the serial killer claimed he would use to "get one a' them iron maidens. I always wanted one a' them."
Thompson told our correspondant that the money, however, wasn't going to his head. He intends to return to work right away, making new knick knacks to sell once, as he said, he "collects more raw material".