Friday, March 25, 2005

National Lard Council Promotes New "Low Carb, Sugar Free" Lard for Weight Conscious Consumers

In an attempt to overcome years of bad press regarding the detrimental health effects of lard and lard heavy cooking, the National Lard Council has announced a new product line. This lard is, according to the council, completely sugar free. In addition it provides a level of carbohydrates well below that recommended by most low carb diets.
"Basically what we're saying with this new type of lard," commented Lawrence Lipid, head of the Lard Council's 'inner sanctum', "is that lard is now a product for the savvy,health minded consumer. Instead of going to lunch and consuming salad that's going to be high in carbohydrates and fructose, why not take a bucket of good, wholesome lard? Sure, it's a fine cooking ingredient, but most people agree that it tastes great right out of the bucket! Don't waste your life consuming empty sugar calories!"
Lipid, who weighs sixteen hundred pounds and has to take a frieght helicoptor to work, was supported by other council members,who noted that lard has other health benefits. A panel of scientists hired away from the tobacco lobby have confirmed that lard reduces blood pressure by coating the inside of human blood vessels with slick fat. They claim this allows the human circulatory system to transport blood more efficiently.
"In our research," Lipid pointed out, "after months of two bucket a day lard consumption, test subjects actually began to sweat lard. The benefits of this, as you can imagine, were many. They were able to slip into much tighter clothing as well as skate barefoot over most smooth surfaces. Assuming, of course, that those surfaces were strong enough to support their weight."
While his test subjects did have an average weight gain after six months of two hundred and eleven pounds, Lipid notes that this was probably the result of increased muscle mass acquired from the additional exercise they received as they struggled to force themselves through bathroom doorways.

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