Statistics Prove Alien Abductions Costing US Kidnappers Jobs

After several freedom of information act requests the US Bureau of Labor has finally released statistics confirming a loss of jobs among American kidnappers. The culprit: alien abductions. The American Small Time Criminals Association (ASTCA) had previously decried the increase in abductions by extra-terrestrials, but not until this release did it have confirmation that the American job market was suffering. According to Shay D. Guyy, lobbyist for the organization, the field of domestic kidnapping for profit is losing almost seven hundred victims a year to alien activities.
"What that means," he noted to our reporter, "is that hard working American kidnappers are finding it harder to locate eligible victims. I mean, who wants to be pistol whipped and thrown into the trunk of a rented sedan when you can be sucked up into a flying saucer? People better take note. If there are no more petty crimes to committ, just who in the hell is going to buy all of the pinky rings and stupid looking leather trenchcoats? Entire industries will collapse!"
Individual TVX4256 of the Sirian Galactic Continuum issued a press release shortly after that interview defending the actions of his people. The victims selected by the Continuum, he noted, were almost uniformly low income rural individuals or ex-hippies whose sole occupation was collecting ditch weed. He argued that neither group provided much of a motive to conventional kidnappers since there would be noone able or willing to ransom them.
The FBI has refused to take a position on the debate, admitting only that kidnappings are a low priority for them due to the need to crack down on people purchasing multiple packages of cold medicine.