President Bush Activates Salvation Army Units to Bolster Iraq Contingent

Today the White House announced that the President has signed an executive order activating over ninety five Salvation Army units for Iraq duty. The units will, according to Pentagon sources, be used mainly as infantry. Top military officials claimed the move was unavoidable. They cited low troop morale, weak enlistment, increased insurgent activity along with corrupt and incompetent top military officials as reasons for the action.
Colonel Slate Witherspoon, regional commander for the midwest Salvation Army claimed to be "concerned and deeply confused" by the development.
"You see," he noted in a phone interview, "we've never been an actual military force. We use that terminology as a metaphor for service to God. I even sent a fax to the White House explaining that fact."
But the only response the colonel received was a fax signed by President Bush, which read, in part "so bring the metaphors too . . . bring whatever weapons you got."
Despite protests from the Salvation Army, White House officials stand by the executive order and they have given Salvation Army officials three weeks to mobilize their forces in preparation for transport to Iraq. The only Salvation Army troops that have been exempted from the call-up are the ubiquitous Christmas "bell-ringers". As one administration official wryly noted "nobody wants to see video-tape of Santa Claus getting machine gunned."