Terrorist Dirty Bomb Detonated in Mississippi: Noone Can Tell the Difference

In retribution for US military action in the middle east, terrorists today detonated a "dirty bomb" packed with a combination of lethal bacteria and weapons grade plutonium in rural Mississippi. According to state authorities, noone has been able to find the bomb site to assess the damage.
"We know one went off," reported Floyd Dipstrom, of the state's Emergency Services Division, "cause seismigraphs registered the explosion, and Al Qeada took responsibility for it with a phone call an hour later. It's just that most of the state is so damn run down we can't tell the difference between the bomb site and just plain old disrepair."
The area where the US Geological survey claims the blast took place has been surveyed seventeen times by national guard teams, but no wreckage more significant than lean to's and the ubiquitous craters left by homemade bombs or exploded stills has been located. While high levels of necrotic bacteria and ambient radiation have been recorded nearby, they are no higher than those normally caused by poor living conditions and illegal toxic dumping in the country-side.
Local resident Buford Simms had this to say: "I don't know why those soldier boys can't find the crater. That bomb was so powerful it blew the dirt off'n one of the walls of my shed. All you gots to do is find that clean wall. Nice, too. Don't have to hose it down for another two years now."
The Bush administration reacted quickly, decrying the incident and promising federal disaster relief would be on the way, "as soon as we get done liberatin' Iraq, Iran, Syria, and maybe that one I saw on the discovery channel with all them Jewish people livin' in it."

GM Cuts 30,000 Blue Collar Workers, Retains 38 Vice Presidents

In yet more depressing economic news, the GM corporation has announced it intends to cut 30,000 blue collar jobs in the US. This number represents just under 10% of GM's global workforce. These manufacturing workers will now join the legions of Americans entering the service (also known as the 'starvation') sector of the American economy.
There was one bright spot, however, as GM announced it has managed to retain its 38 Vice Presidents, along with assorted other corporate officers. While the areas overseen by these officers are nebulous, overlapping, and often superfluous, the GM corporation felt a need to maintain it's reputation of integrity and reliability in the face of a hostile economic environment. As one unnamed official pointed out, "these guys are counting on us and we don't intend to let them down!"
Economic experts have repeatedly pointed out that GM, like many companies, could easily scale down its number of corporate officers. Since any one of them represents the equivalent payroll of thirty or more blue collar employees, such reductions would actually be extremely useful to the bottom line. Or, as other economic pundits have pointed out, the corporate officer positions could be outsourced to Latin America or Asia, where such officials are used to making a fraction of their US counterparts.
But GM has remained stalwart in the face of such criticism, declaring that if the US economy is to remain strong it must be composed of people with disposable incomes that make them viable consumers. As our unnamed source noted, "we at GM only wish there was some way to ensure this consumer base exists on a large scale. But if such a method exists, we haven't found it."

Wal-Mart Unveils New Program To Force Employees To Be Happier

Under siege because of allegations of poor employee treatment and poor employee compensation leading to employees who are just plain poor, Wal-Mart has announced the commencement of a new program to improve morale in its pointlessly large number of retail outlets. In a press release to several major news agencies, Phil Dodge, ceo of Wal-Mart Inc, outlined his plan.
"We first considered increasing pay and benefits, but we decided that would cost too much. Instead, we've decided to proceed with our new scheme at a cost of ten billion per year.
"Our new system involves forcibly installing computer chips into the brains of our employees. These chips will release endorphins, creating a sensation of pleasure throughout the day. So whether they're stocking shelves with cheaply made plastic junk, applying for food stamps or trudging up the stairs to their closet-sized efficiency apartment to eat a dinner of cold dog food, they'll be in a constant state of enjoyment, courtesy of their employer!"
Dodge went on to explain that employees who don't want the chip will be told they don't have to get one, before being wrestled to the ground to have the chip shoved into their cranium through the nostril.
"You have to use distraction," the press release noted, "some of these guys are so used to competing with rats for food that they've gotten pretty tough."
The chips are proprietary Wal-Mart technology called Small eLectronic Activity Virtual Enhancers and will be paid for through a slight employee payroll deduction of fifty dollars a week.

Lucky 10 Billionth Customer of US Justice System Released on a Technicality

During the sentencing phase of the "Slaughterhouse" Bill Thompson trial in Buckwater, Michigan, all were stunned when balloons fell from the ceiling and loudspeakers announced that Thompson would be released on a technicality. As the 10 billionth customer of the Justice System, Thompson was awarded his unconditional freedom, despite the guilty verdict he received for the serial killings of at least 43 people over 17 years.
"It is our pleasure," commented President Bush in a phone call to Thompson,"to present you with your freedom as a reward for your patronage. You've provided America with a very entertaining trial, and I'm thrilled that you happened to be our 10 billionth lucky customer."
Thompson, who tortured people to death in his basement, was particularly noted for his ivory knick-knacks, which police discovered had been carved from the bones of his victims. Many of these knick-knacks were sold at craft fairs, earning a steady income Thompson used to purchase medieval torture equipment online. When arrested Thompson was quoted as saying, "sure I killed 'em. I killed 'em all. Want to buy some knick knacks?"
In addition to his freedom and a clean police record, Thompson will be rewarded with fifty thousand dollars in taxpayer money, which the serial killer claimed he would use to "get one a' them iron maidens. I always wanted one a' them."
Thompson told our correspondant that the money, however, wasn't going to his head. He intends to return to work right away, making new knick knacks to sell once, as he said, he "collects more raw material".

Dead Rising From Graves To Avenge The Making Of 'Dukes of Hazzard' Film

Early reports from Warner Brothers Studios are terrifying as an army of zombies sweeps through the studio lot, eating the flesh of every person in sight. Similar reports are coming in from the homes of such 'stars' as Willie Nelson and Jessica Simpson. After careful consultation, religious leaders agree. The dead are rising to avenge the making of the "Dukes of Hazzard" movie. As Nelson Stern, head of the National Theological Union notes, "I mean, Steven Seagal has been asking for it for years, but the Duke boys? That was just going too far. What the hell did these idiots expect?"
This supernatural reaction to a new film is not without precedent. Many theologans have pointed out that all of Willliam Shatner's films have all been preceeded by a rain of blood, while the opening of the eighties film 'Ishtar' caused forty days of darkness around the globe. But, they admit, never before has any film been able to provoke attacks by an army of flesh eating zombies.
"Then again, " Stern related to our correspondant," look at this film. The jerkwater premise, the lousy dialog, the brainless cast. If any film deserved this, the "Dukes of Hazzard" would be it. Short of having Seagal do a cameo, or having William Shatner sing the soundtrack, there was little else they could do to make this film worse."
Industry experts agree. In an official statement from Warner Brothers, the company explains," when making movies at this quality level, the occasional retribution from the living dead is to be expected. All we can do is board up the windows, lock the gates and see if any of them care to star in the new Romero film."

Bush Administration Sends Radio Message To Extraterrestrials: "You're Either For Us Or Against Us In The War On Terror!"

In an unusual move yesterday the Bush administration comandeered a SETI research facility in order to send a powerful, multidirectional radio message out into space. According to White House spokesman Sam Sloan, the message was simple. In the war on terror aliens are either for us or against us . . . and if they're against us they better watch out.
"Fundamentally it's a basic principle," Sloan noted in a press release, "do extraterrestrials support terrorism, or do they support freedom? Astronomers say there may be billions of planetary systems out there. Billions. That's a lot of potential hijackers. And hell, how would we know what they're up to? You try to understand those damn foreigners and it's all a bunch of clicks and whistles."
Sloan notes in the press release that despite thousands of reported UFO sightings, not a single saucer showed up to stop the attack on the World Trade Center.
"I mean, where were they? Did they have better things to do? Their superior aerodynamic capabilities, as evidenced by hundreds of hours of grainy, out of focus video, offer them a clear advantage in combat with a commercial airplane. Yet they did nothing. "
Anticipating criticism of an action that could potentially start an interstellar war, Sloan adroitly addressed those concerns as well.
"If alien terrorists want a piece of the USA, this administration says 'Bring it on!'. While it is true that a species capable of reaching us through interstellar space would possess vastly superior technology, there is no reason to think that they would be more advanced than us in every aspect vital to combat. To illustrate the point I've included a drawing by President Bush of a UFO with a faster than light engine powered by a wood burning stove."
The crayon drawing was stapled to the back of the press release. It depicted a saucer shaped craft cut away to reveal the interior. A blue scribbled mass was labelled "engine from Millenium Falcon", while next to it sat a crudely drawn pot bellied stove labelled "wood burner for power, heat, cooking and story telling". While the shape of the craft was saucer-like, it otherwise resembled the "blue-prints" for a next generation shuttle submitted by the President to NASA.

History Channel Manages to Come Up with One More WWII Documentary

In a direct challenge to critics who claimed that the History Channel has left no aspect of World War Two unexploited, the network unveiled one more WWII documentary today. Entitled "Janitors: the Unsung Allied Heroes" the program documents in agonizing detail the minutia of janitorial work during the second world war. Covering everything from how Ike liked the dusting done to the type of toilet cleaning crystals responsible for reducing odor in rear echelon latrines, it is yet another remarkable work by the cable channel that brought America "Cooking Secrets of the Pacific Submarine Fleet" and "Frozen Hell: True Stories of the 445th Freezer Repair Detachment". Reportedly World War Two janitorial veterans have greeted the documentary with disdain. In a statement posted on his website, floorjockey.com, Lt. Colonel Art Slocum(ret), formerly of the 112th Janitorial Division had this to say:
"Sure the show was mind numbingly boring. But was it mind numbingly boring enough? Did they really capture the trauma of waxing the tile floor at fleet command, or the shellshock associated with scrubbing toilets under the constant rat-a-tat-tat of someone banging on the door to be let in? I don't think so. If some kid is watching this show and thinking he's getting a real taste of what it was like to be a war-time janitor, he's got another thing coming! America owes so much to the "retreating janitors" of the 112th, and this is all we get? A stinking documentary? This country makes me sick!"
For fans who missed the initial airing of this special, network executives have announced it will be available on DVD. Number 62,400 in thier "World War Two video library", it will soon come up for sale on the History Channel's website. Additionally, History Channel.com's troubleshooting section notes that if you're having trouble finding World War Two programming on the History Channel you should check behind your television to see if it's actually plugged in.

"Shitload" Becomes Standardized Unit of Measurement

After years of controversy surrounding it's relatively ambiguous status in the business and manufacturing community, the term "shitload" has been officially adopted by the US Bureau of Weights and Measures for commercial use. The term, which first originated on the Boston docks in the 1800s, originally represented the full capacity of one sewage scow. Starting in the late 1800s these scows began making regular "export" trips to New Jersey, and their full capacity (approximately 2.7 tons) became a common benchmark for the shipping community. The term soon spread to other industries, where it began to slip from its original meaning.
Professor Emil Watkins of the Harvard Department of History explains, "as soon as other industries adopted the term it's meaning became more ambiguous. Soon, instead of a true measure of weight it began to be used for both weight and volume. Its meaning became relative. The so-called "east coast shitload standard" hovered at around 2 or 3 tons. The "west coast shitload standard" however, was sometimes held as low as a ton and a half. While in the mid-west, the standard shitload could be as little as five hundred pounds. Really the only industry to keep a straight shitload was the drug running trade. Those guys never deviated from the 2.7 ton benchmark, God bless 'em!"
In an attempt to standardize the shitload, the BWM has officially set it at the original 2.7 tons of (wet or dry) weight. This also settles the long standing argument over use of the shitload for measures of volume. The BWM has determined that since the shitload is now a weight standard, large volumes will now be measured with the somewhat secondary term "assload".